*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Investing in beetcoin
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”