my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
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I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Care for your back
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.