Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.