What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.