“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
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I never know how much to tip a cow.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.