Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
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*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
so much to do
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.