Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
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Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.