*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.