One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.