Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My neck my back my allergy attack
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
HR said no more nunchucks.