life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
*watches the world burn*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.