Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
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“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
peeping toms
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.