Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Women aren鈥檛 hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You鈥檙e done bro
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I鈥檝e never been so good at a game before
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
鈥ever criticize your former employer
鈥aintain eye contact
鈥e positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I鈥檝e never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler鈥檚 mouth.
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
What do you mean 100 褨sn鈥檛 a perfect cred褨t score
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.