my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
🤣🤣🤣
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something