A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does