All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
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I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.