I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.