Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
You Might Also Like
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high