INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.