Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.