Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
You Might Also Like
The Birdles
mumsnet is amazing
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it