It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot