Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Is your wife single?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Optional boss fight.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
X-tra spooky blend
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime