A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
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My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time