Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.