This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
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*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I can’t stop watching this.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing