[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Not😆🤣
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.