I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*