The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
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Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
me when the borders lift
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”