I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I love art.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again