Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Got him!
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Roses are red
Violets are blue
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update