So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”