If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
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We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why