“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I wish I were this cool 😂
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Day 2 of my diet
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Still my favourite meme.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.