The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep