Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”