If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…