me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
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I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere