I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
God: you鈥檙e a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you鈥檙e like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you鈥檙e H2OhNo lol.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let鈥檚 confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that鈥檚 already cooked?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I鈥檝e ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it馃槶馃槶馃槶
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we鈥檝e been married for eleven years?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can鈥檛 have, like sleep and lactose
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Fight
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped