some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster