Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.