It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.