Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.