6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
You Might Also Like
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no