Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back