WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son