Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.