I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.