Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah