If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Ovenable?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow